I actually find myself a little meme-resistant although actually is a good example of one of my favorite sayings (no secret here) “It’s all about the energy.” I think part of the discrepancy is the fact that others tag you, hence this implied popularity contest and waiting to be picked on the playground that so triggers the b.s. of childhood shenanigans. So any of you reading this, I am going to copy Kathy Sierra and ask you to tell me about yourself – forget this waiting to be tagged business! I’d like to know who you are. And frankly, you’ll be hard pressed to find a better listener as I really embrace the odd and unusual with vigor. As I like to say, “Let your freak flag fly.”

Some use them as a ploy use it to get links into their site. Some are just plain bored with them. Others are truly interested in the connection it creates across the blogosphere. So once again I am reminded we all have choice, and the very same action done by or between two different people can convey vastly different energies! It’s all about the energy people, not the act itself.

So my current round is in response to Frank Hamm. Frank and I connected through my daily video show, Beach Walks with Rox. He lives in Germany; I live in Hawaii. That means we are close to being part of an earth sandwich as Germany is about due north of Botswana which actually is my polar opposite location.

At long last, my list of 7 Things You Didn’t Know About Me

1. I start most showers with the cold water running on my head; I like the invigoration (a mind-altering experience) and I get to save water too.
2. I have been recycling glass, paper, and metal for over 35 years and have no plans to stop.
3. I wet my pants on the playground in second grade and still remember the awful feeling of my wool school uniform rubbing against my legs.
4. I have a very short hair trigger in certain situations where I feel my independence or autonomy is being challenged. My aloha can go out the door very quickly before I realize what is happening.
5. I can cry easily at moments of unexplained and spontaneous joy. I love this about myself. It brought tears just to write this.
6. One of the most powerful things I am still learning is how much I can accomplish by managing where and how I share my energy with others.
7. I am confused by how messy my office can be when I truly feel so much better when it is clean and organized.

If you are reading this, then consider yourself tagged.

Back to my Saturday night in Bali. I was having moments of immaturity. Inside me was the whiny voice of a child, wanting to be taken care of. Wanting the streets to be clean. Wanting other people to be in the street with me. Wanting an Indonesian-style cafe to be open not one catering to Western hippies. (I love Indonesian food.) Wanting there to be more lights on. Wanting to have my own scooter. Wanting to have Secret Cameraman with me.

Fortunately, I was able to recognize this as an opportunity for consciousness. I went into the cafe, and was greeted by a lovely Balinese woman, smiling and welcoming me. I found the nasi goreng on the menu, in between quesadillas and spinach soup. If this were a Hollywood movie, Secret Cameraman would have walked in the door just as I started to eat, and we would all live “happier ever after.” But he didn’t. Nonetheless I experienced happiness. My desires had been met – warm, delicious food, a little human company, and the remaining walk home was now quite short.

With maturity comes an understanding of life that we live here with limits and boundaries. It’s that plain and that simple. In early childhood, we were not aware of those limits and boundaries. We humans have come to identify the limits and boundaries as the thieves or restrictors of our happiness, but this is not so! So many research studies have shown that people with extreme limits (quadriplegia for example) are just as happy as those who have four functional limbs. It further shows that people in less developed countries are happier than those in the United States. Liitle children and the candy counter think feel as if it is the end of the world if they don’t get that candy bar. Meanwhile people who have less stuff report being happier than those who have lots of stuff.

How can this be? Stuff does not bring happiness in and of itself; it is a means to happiness when co-mingled with consciousness of what it can and cannot do. Religions have preached that stuff will not make you happy, and it has been tinged with the opposite message that stuff is somehow bad. Having too much stuff is somehow worse.

Nonetheless we are drawn to stuff – whether it be books on meditation or a new Lexus tofu or top sirloin. You may judge others’ stuff as being more or less enlightened than your own, but to me it all falls into the same pot of stuff.

Stuff is not the problem you see. It is what we expect of stuff that is the problem. Have as much stuff as you want! Because stuff, like everything else in life, is personal and subjective. For me, I like to live in a space that is less cluttered. I like to acquire new stuff, but since I don’t like clutter, that means I keep my stuff in circulation. I don’t hold on to things for a very long time.

Other people are much more comfortable in the midst of clutter. The energy of the objects soothes them, where for me it disturbs. Maturity is being able to understand how stuff works, energetically, and being able to manage your individual, subjective, personal relationship to stuff with the background knowledge that we live in a world of limits and boundaries.

I would have preferred the streets to be clean, dry, and better lit, with more choices of restaurants and a few more people out and about. So while I didn’t get all of my first choices, I did get a deeply satisfying meal and a safe walk home. It turns out that I also like solitude, so this experience actually worked from that perspective, if not from the stuff perspective.

I am a huge fan of the travel experience. I experience it as a foundation for peace and understanding. In simple terms, we grow up in a house with a set of practices and we assume (at least for a little while) that “this is how life works.”

Only to hit the road—be it school, college, a job, or actual travel to other destinations—and discover people doing the same things in very different ways. Rinsing dishes with cold water instead of hot. Eating with flatware, or chopsticks, or fingers. Driving on the left or on the right. The list is endless.

When I traveled to Southeast Asia in 1997, I discovered that I really love “luxury in nature.” Good luck finding those together. If you want to be in nature, you have to really rough it, and if you want luxury, you’re most likely to find it in a large city. And luxurious travel for me includes interacting with the locals, in addition to having a beautiful clean room and comfy bed. The luxury of making personal connections.

But as usual I start to digress. My starting point for this post is a hotel in Siem Reap, Cambodia, The One Hotel. It has one room. For a maximum of two guests. It is luxurious in decor and amenities. (Room includes an outdoor bath, outdoor massage on your private balcony, 32” flat screen, iBook and mobile phone or local SIM card – your choice.)

It triggered a definite attraction plus guilt response. Siem Reap is a small village near the amazing Angkor Wat Buddhist ruins. I’ve read about the big 5-star hotels that have sprung up there, in sharp contrast to the surrounding poverty. It conjers up images of travelers who could care less about the local experience. I mean, a major part of the 5-star experience is to be catered to as one of only a few, a sequestered, special class of people who prefer to mingle with each other and not the locals.

But at The One, you can choose the Good Karma package that includes going out and meeting the locals, helping local NGOs, or the Khmer Arts Discovery package and visit art galleries (there is a rich art culture here), and so forth. There are no others to mingle with, except the locals. This is my kind of travel.

I am a bleached blonde. I have bleached blonde hair. I did this as an act of rebellion several years ago after watching Legally Blonde with Reese Witherspoon. That movie is a great example of a rather profound concept being introduced into the collective consciousness. That a person can like small dogs, manicures, and pink, and still be an intelligent, observant, passionate, and articulate person.

To cut to the chase: am I aware that many people dismiss me at first glance as a blonde, shallow, not that bright peson? Yes. Could I die my hair brown to be taken more seriously, more quickly? Yes.

But that would defeat the exercise. If the point of rebellion is to live life independenently of others’ opinions and to dissolve inaccurate sterotypes whenever possible, then blonde continues to be a mantle of courage and consciousness for me.

My task is to manage my #2’s worries that I won’t get the deals, I won’t be taken seriously, etc. because of the blonde thing. It’s so old, this business that women’s appearance so dictates their status and opprtunity in the mainstream culture. But bc it is so old, even modernistas (like myslef) are unwittingly influenced by it.

I am writing about this as I was at the Podcast and Portable Media Expo last week, which was weighted towards geeky guys. Clearly my presence there with nice camera in tow sporting my blonde hair was a confusing image for people. People don’t know quite where to file me. Add to that confusion that on my video podcast, Beach Walks with Rox I am often walking the beach in a bikini.

And just yesterday I learned that a project I am working on is being evaluated by Maryam Scoble. I was hoping to meet her at PME but I didn’t find her there. She recently celebrated getting down to a size 16. In the old world, thin women and fat women were on opposing sides of the fence. In my world we share similar prejudices and pressures. In my ideal world, none of this matters. But it is hard to evaluate things without triggering prejudices that have been handed down for generations.

My consciousness is about just showing up to be who I am. I mean, we all experience this gap from perception to reality— not just blondes and fat people. We are all misjudged when only the surface is considered. The Cliff Notes on me is that even though I am thin and blonde, I am not stupid (ask anyone who tries to argue with me), I like pink but I prefer aquamarine and lime green, and I like small dogs but my treasure is Lexi, a big hairy black lab.

That is a double entrendre of course. It becomes me, in that I am attractive when working. It suits me. I am a natural at it.

And therein lies a challenge.

I am on the Big Island, trying to take a little break. But I don’t know how. Because work has become me. It’s what I think about. It’s what I feel inclined to do. It calms me down when I feel anxious.

I tell myself that if only this were a dedicated, exclusive vacation, then I would be able to not think about work. But that would take planning. And notifying. And all sorts of other things. I find it an attractive idea, but far from here and now.

So I guess that means I will tackle this topic. When I feel so restrained by something, I take it that my #2 (my monkey mind, my self-limiter) has somehow hijacked my brain. And since for me, for now, consciousness is everything, on this working vacation I will schedule my playing vaction on the calendar, and let the energy gather around it independent of my self-limiting tendencies.

“You get this tremendous serendipity where I can search the internet and come across a site that I did not set out to look for.” – Tim Berners-Lee

The citation is from the BBC Online.
Tim (the original creator of the internet in 1989) was speaking in favor of net neutrality, or not having a “for pay” area of the internet. I am in favor of that too, and posted a video blog about it.

I also believe that we are all connected. And that we are divine beings having a human experience, It is part of the game group think right now to believe that human=less than divine. But I choose not to buy into that.

What is so cool about the internet is this synchronicity Tim talks about. I believe that actually our souls are communicating underneath the technical platform of the internet, to create this synchronicity. I believe our souls have the ability to communicate without the internet, but having the internet, or a so-called plausible way for people to find each other across widely diverse means, is like a fast track for us to integrate and then implement this knowledge regarding soul to soul communication.

One of the biggest impacts the internet has had on creativity and business is the expanding discussion of copyright. Chuck Olsen got me thinking about this when he posted this video interview with Mark Hosler of Negativeland. Mark has helped CC develop “Sampling”: licenses which allow us to do what many want to do naturally – hum another’s tune for a few bars, make a collage from magazines, etc. and then be able to sell that should a buyer come along, without having to go back and pay the “original” creator.

It seems much of discussion sorts people into two groups: the big (bad) corporations and the small (good) artists. I am going to sort by the spiritual versus the psychological perspective.

From the spiritual perspective, we own nothing and it all comes to us/through us from somewhere. If we lived exclusively in this world, everything would be free and there would be free-flowing transmission of ideas and compensation, and no one would live at another’s expense. I believe we are spiritual beings and all of this is true at the core. In the spirit world, there is no “matter” though so we do not face the daily challenges of food and shelter, nor do we create actual works. Everything is unlimited. However, we have chosen to incarnate.

So that means we are also psychological/physical beings, which is to acknowledge that we live in a world defined in part by limits and boundaries. (My soul might be capable of anything, but I still have to get on a plane or boat if I am going to attend Vloggercom.)

Mark’s arguments are very appealing to me, as he embraces without fear this unbridled freedom that is an aspect to our spiritual nature. But it has been my experience that those who want money and power will do whatever it takes to get more of the same. They seem to have an advantage at managing the limits and boundaries. Having copyright restrictions can protect the solo artist against those who would reap benefit “illicitly.” Mark seems to have a strong opinion against corporations and has helped develop a CC license that allows sampling for all but re-use in advertising. I think this is an improvement but advertising per se is not “bad” it is just that it has been used so overbearingly. And he is selling works that are created from others’ works, without sampling licenses granted, not to mention advertising them on a web site.

I believe both the spiritual and the psychological/physical perspectives are real and true. But knowing when one applies vs. the other is the tricky part. The spiritual realm creates an amazing sense of freedom to do as we please. The psychological/physical realm creates consequences that can inform our future choices. I would really like to live as if none of this matters yet I am afraid to be taken advantage of and I want to have the money to live comfortably. I want to live my life with as few discrepancies as possible.

A copyright serves notice that people cannot use the “stuff I created” without asking first. In a way it is common courtesy. However people can view a copyright notice not as a closed door, but instead an opportunity to start a conversation. At least with me that is. The copyright simply says, let’s talk first. We may even be able to help each other get more of what we want. (I have out takes and you might have a network…)

If I don’t really own any of it because it came to me from the great divine, then it is a free for all. Which might not be bad. You make something from anything, and sell it for as much as you can and each person gets to decide if they want to buy it. An intriguing idea, but I’m not yet ready to embrace it.

I have contributed a lot in the past to budding organizations, only to have the people “in charge” take my and others’ creations and literally make millions on them without compensation. This was in part my own naivete: my desire to want to collaborate without having to deal with the legal bs. Or was I wanting to play in the spiritual realm when in fact the others were playing in the psychological/physical realm? I’ve had a hard time dealing with the feelings of both being burned and stupid.

But as always, I appreciate all the thoughtful and passionate people contributing ideas.

I am using my writing to sort out my thoughts on this topic. Opinions are subject to change throughout. Inspired by the attraction/repulsion I experienced reading Guy Kawasaki’s blog about the “influence” work of Robert Cialdini.

Point #1: I chose not to include the “Dr.” in front of his name. I think academic titles are a somewhat out-dated concept for measuring abstract knowledge and conferring a type of hierarchical status on an individual. But of course it does play into one of Robert’s six principles of persuasion: Authority. And yes, I have an axe to grind with academia. But that’s the topic of another blog.

Point #2: One thing I don’t feel that confused on at the moment is the difference between influence and control. It’s common to hear someone say, “He made me [do that].” I don’t believe one person can control another, except in extreme conditions of physical imprisonment or parents over children. The rest of the time, we feel compelled by others to act a certain way, but in fact, we are succumbing to their influence (which certainly may be over-bearing.) And it is this sort of dynamic that has me both curious about understanding influence better yet skeptical of “the science” of it. The added reality is that most people do not know or understand that can say no (or yes) regardless of what someone else is urging them into or out of. It can take tremendous backbone to not buy Microsoft just because everyone else does. Or that old saying, “Nobody ever got fired for buying IBM.” I am not interested in lemmings.

Point #3: Maybe I would feel better about high-priced seminars that teach us how to influence others (translation: make more sales and climb the ladder faster) if there were a similar seminar also targeted at business and corporations teaching people discernment. And how to resist really slick influencers. Because at the end of the day, I believe that the most valuable transactions are those that are conducted between equal peers, not between one with average self-esteem (most vulnerable to persuasion) and a graduate of “how to influence” people.

Point #4: Even the most ethical, win-win focused sellers are vulnerable to drinking their own koolaid. I am one. I love the internet, I love how it works, and I know small businesses can benefit from it. It’s not that easy to sort out my sincere beliefs and teaching skills versus really hearing what it is a client may want. Who cares if the internet is the answer to their problems if they don’t want to learn how to use it effectively? I’ve sold to those people, with the sincere belief that I would show them the great tech way and they would derive benefits. But they didn’t. Because they didn’t care. I am learning that I would rather not close those deals. And I am learning that there are flags I can recognize for this type of customer. I am more interested in truly frank dialog, not pitches and suckers. When there is enough truth on the table, it’s easy to see what the relationship can be about.

Over here in the transition, I am very tuned in and sensitive to discrepancies in the energy of how people present themselves and the language they use. It’s not easy to sell influence techniques without attracting the bottom-feelers of the manipulator class of humans.

Point #5: I am also skeptical of formulas for success, because life can be so much more complex and because “spirit rules” aver all. Yet I also love that people can be taught to act more consciously. Can be taught to observe our own behavior and how we sabotage situations inadvertently.

And maybe that is the rub. My #2 personality does not trust any sort of influencing, as she was usually at effect of others. (I recognize the all or nothing give-away in there.) Yet my #1 is very curious about learning to truly connect with people who can help me get what I want. And it does not matter to me what others do with it, unless of course they try to trick me into a corner! Seller beware – we buyers are finally getting hip.

Who decided that more than one chin is a bad thing?

For one, my ex-hubby thought that my one extra chin, the famous double-chin, was horrid and caused him to lose interest in me. This was when I was barely 40, underweight, and in killer shape. Our marriage counselor I am sure logged this case in his top ten file.

I am still self-concsious of it, and my #2 personality was aghast when she saw the clip chosen by my video editor for this show:
Beach Walk #36

I am hoping that everyone is enthralled with gorgeous Kaile, and does not even notice the presence of the woman with infinite chins in the corner.

Today is the first week of videoblogging week 2006. I found another video that discussed this topic of chins. Yeah Uncle Sparks for bringing yet another piece of shame out of the closet!

Video blogging is doing wonders for my confidence. I actually wore lipstick today, one of only 3 shows out of 42. I surprised myself in that I actually prefer me raw.

Which reminds me of a line from a poem I once wrote:

I long to see you naked
Really naked
Wearing only your soul
And your true nature.

Well I have joined the ranks of webbies who have too many internet properties to maintain.

What fascinates me, is how the energy moves me from one to another, and no matter how hard I try to discipline myself to love all my children equally, I just don’t at any given moment. This is (to me) all the more telling because I am a Capricorn. Earth sign = grounded. Highly disciplined. Dragon in Chinese astrology. But I just cannot make myself post over on our business web site. I want to. I have ideas. But the energy distinctly voids itself when I even try to schedule it.

For the past six weeks, I have been in love with BeachWalks.tv. For the first time in my life I can truly say, “This is what I want to do with my life!” It is an unbelievable feeling.

So when I am not on my case (which is remarkably often these days!) I simply marvel at how the universe is guiding me to exactly what I want. Even though I didn’t know what that was.

That is cool.

I’ve started doing a daily video podcast over at beachwalks.tv with my guy Shane. We really are a great team together, bringing together our complementary skills and interests, as well as very similar ethos and beliefs.

I am coming up against my desire to be improvisational and raw in the moment versus wanting to feel like I have actually communicated a reasonably organized thought by the time I am done. And becasue of my ego and our time considerations (too much of the former and not enough of the latter!) I have been sticking by a “one take” practice.

It’s not that easy to do.

I love having the confidence to explore this new activity, without having to plan it all out or “be on” for the camera. So often in my life I have felt forced into performing for others. And was confused by the fact that I actually enjoy performing for others. To tease apart the elements that I really enjoy, and do them for me on my terms, instead of at someone else’s command or demand, is part of my opportunity with Beach Walks.

There is like this 5 to 10 degree thing. My #1 adult personality wants something very close (on the surface) to what that ever nagging #2 neurotic self wants. It takes attention and energy to make sure I’m in the #1 and not being swayed by the siren calls of the #2.

I had a dream last night in which I was in a car with other adults going to a very adult event like a classical music concert. For some reason, we stopped near a school. There was a boy in the car in front of us who was hit in the head with a hard baseball.

He slumped over the wheel. No one seemed to even notice, but me. I got out of the car and went over to him. He was not alert, so I asked him, “Are you OK? Please say something if you can hear me.” He said “My back really hurts.”

I tried to yell at the other people in my party, asking them to go in the school and get help. Everyone ignored me. For some reason, I did not think to call 911 myself. I was upset that no one else was helping.

At first, I thought this was a young boy, say 9-10 years old. But if he were driving the car, that would make him 16 at least.

I have these beliefs that appear relevant to this dream:

• We are all safe and the dramas being played out here are the ones we want to play, on some level, however unconscious of that we may be.
• Adults are capable of managing themselves. I am not responsible for taking care of another adult. After all, I cannot possibly know what each person’s soul is up to.
• By the age of 10 or so, a person is capable of surviving on their own. It may not be easy, but it is doable.
• I am free to offer my help when I want. No one else is required to take it or have to offer their help in the same situation.
• Offering help can be construed as an interruption or even invasion of someone else’s space. For all I know, they wanted to see how far they could suffer or they were just on the verge of figuring it out themselves, or any other number of possibilities.

I am reminded of how incensed I am when religious crusaders come to my door, thinking I am the equivalent of the boy in the car — needing to be rescued away from whatever into the arms of Jesus.

And yet, I truly enjoy helping. So I have learned to adopt a mantra, “Make ‘em beg” whereby I don’t impose myself but rather wait for others to ask for help. Yes, this is tricky because for many, asking for help is such a hot button for their neuroses. (Think men and travel directions.)

It is also tricky for me in business because I often want to help our clients understand things better or know about options to help them grow their business. Some really appreciate this, and say that is why they like having us as vendors. Others do not. Or they do, but only if it is free to them. So figuring this out in the business relationships seems to take a little bit of time.

The question I am pondering today is how to keep weaning myself from intrusive helping while still being available to help when it is mutually wanted? I realize that even I am not always in the mood to help either.

And I am also creating more ideas for “Beach Walks with Rox” videos. I like talking, I do go to the beach every morning and attempt to commune with my soul. I imagine that others might be interested in that too. A perfect aspect of a video podcast is that I can just do it, without targeting or involving anyone else (except my beloved camera man Shane). It is a completely “opt-in” situation for whomever want to watch the shows.

Just like those adults in my dream. None of them were interested in responding to my pleas to help the boy. That is independent of the fact that I did want to offer help.

1. Maybe I don’t have to knee-jerk respond every time I see someone in perceived “trouble.” I could wait for them to ask.
2. If I do decide I want to offer help, that is my deal, and no one else’s.

It’s often said how the internet is making many arenas more of an “an even playing field.” Customers have more power, companies have less, in many situations. I think the transfer of power is a direct correlation to the transfer of knowledge that is taking place.

And being that we are smack dab in the middle of a knowledge-based economy, the way that we seek, share, and disseminate knowledge is going through big change.

It used to be teacher had the power and the student was beholden, at least until such point that the student could take on the teacher intellectually. Now that we can share information rather easily, (although the NYTimes is about to be investigated by the FBI for writing about the secret Bush wiretapping policies), there are great opportunities brewing.

On a personal level, I was angrily accused by a dear and treasured client this past week for being condescending in how I was managing her project. It was a hard blow to my ego for sure. And I could make all sorts of proclamations about how and why I have tightened the reigns on this particular job. But she was right about one thing: I did have thoughts now and then of surprise, at actually how little she knew about certain things. Surprise because she is very bright. She is very engaged. She interacts with her project a lot. But darnit, there are some web fundamentals she just has not yet grasped. This surprise has slowly turned into irritation, mainly because I saw more time I would be putting in to the project to educate her on these issues, and two, because I did not know how I would bill for that. (She is on a fixed price job that does not include side trips to explain how things work.)

I find it really hard sometimes to explain to a really bright person what it is they don’t know. A lot of us, myself included, can get very attached to our smarts. But the point here now is that the subtleties in my energy triggered an avalanche of resentment in her. So it’s my job to bring her and the project back in off the ledge.

What I am working on this weekend is to turn the table and practice thinking peer to peer. What is it that she can teach me in this moment? How could I have handled the situation differently? How can I keep my belief — there are just things she does not know, despite her protestations — without feeling irritated by her resistance to acknowledge that and/or pay to learn it?

I am a firm believer in speaking the truth. In my experience, much more often than not people do indeed want the truth, though they may react negatively to it at first. But when delivering the truth, I now want to have the energy of learning, of student, so that it does not come across “one up or one down” but is a curious (not critical) exploration. A mutual sharing of observations. Delivered on my part with courtesy and respect. And hopefully reciprocated. I can challenge myself to see how neutral I can get my own energy, and then watch and see if that gets me a different response.

One of my assignments for myself the past few years (yes, sometimes I am a slow learner) has been to sort out what do I really want to be doing, both “in general” as well as at an given time. It’s not that easy for a person like me, who is easily entertained and who can sink her teeth into just about anything and find some pleasure in it.

It appears the universe is trying to help me out in this task. It keeps piling more and more work and fun on my plate. I consider myself now to be in a state of near overload. I was thinking (not uncommonly) that this is problem to be fixed.

Instead, I have started thinking of it as a gift to be opened.

This is to paraphrase friend and author Wayne Muller.

But that’s just a nicey nice thought really, without the real “aha.” And that is this. Being really busy can be much akin to having cancer. Things take on a new level of importance. Small details fall off my radar. I am free to only focus on what must be done right now or what I want to do right now, and with a little luck those might even be the same thing! All other tasks and all other moments can suddenly wait their turn. I can choose who or what gets my attention and how.

I have found this quite freeing, and in experiencing that freedom, I am enjoying my things to get done as well as my personal pleasures far more.

I tripped across a graduation address given by Steve Jobs for Stanford last June. Here is a quote:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life,” Jobs said. “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.”

We hear and talk about this concept a lot. People who have faced death seem to have a better handle on it. I’d like to skip the cancer part and go straight to putting this knowledge into action in my life.

It’s not that I am not interested in other people’s opinions! I am. So long as they are not focused on black and white thinking. Or repeats of things that have been said so many times before. Or are written in such a way that I cannot get your point.

But I digress! I realize that though I started my first blog in 2001 and my second in 2002, and both were cancelled by moi before gaining any traction, (interpret that however you like) at the core of me is a legacy of narcissism. Combined with a lack of desirable time. Which results —on the surface— in boredom with or lack of interest in others’ diatribes. Here’s how that looks as math (a formula):

narcissism + less time = i stay in my own world

I really think that’s a good thing for me at this point of my life. I mean, having spent 50 some years paying excessive attention to everyone else and how they are doing, feeling, etc., I figure this could actually be the up side of narcissism! Because remember, in the transition there is an absolute criteria for nothing. Narcissism has its positives.

Some counselors of mine once gave me a metaphor for how I’ve lived most of my life. Here’s how that used to look as art (a graphical image):

“Some people will split a vein and let others drink their blood, so to speak. But you Roxanne! You’ve sliced open your core from your sternum to your pubis and invited everyone in for a buffet that never closes. You let them feed from your trough. As much and as often as they please.”

This was an eye opening concept for me. I had already done a decade plus of therapy at this point, and was aware of my “doormat” tendencies. But I think you may agree that this image takes doormat to a whole new level!

Many people who know me now think of me as a tough broad. (My kitchen contractor was quite surprised at how I did not let the Kraftmaid corporate hack talk me out of sending back the defective drawer faces on my new kitchen cabinets. As if it is my fault a maple tree takes 30 years to grow and it was me who shipped the crappy craftsmanship.)

So yes I have made progress in zipping up my belly. And unzipping my mouth. But when it comes to my company and the clients, the urge to let them feed is still fed by the fear that they won’t pay up. The urge to be quiet and nice and let the customer (or the contractor) be right runs deep in my wiring.

I am a firm believer though in “outing” my #2 (that scared little aspect of me) as that seems to take a big chunk of the charge out of any given troublesome topic.

And for that, I have the deepest possible thanks to all of you who have gone before me, baring your hearts and minds and bodies too, so that we all realize, none of this matters and I and you are truly free to be just exactly who I and you are — nothing more, nothing less. You see, I have been reading your posts, and absolutely loving each of you who has chosen to share with me your warts and wackiness and wild and wonderful ways.

One of the things that I have been dealing with for a long time is getting over my fear of telling the truth about who I am. Which actually is avery strong person. But for many reasons, I hold back. Just like my brothers and sisters deep in the corporation and the military and so many other places. Heck, why have my own business if I can’t tell my truth?

“Don’t want to be rude” is near the top.

“Don’t want to upset anyone” is up there too.

“That’s against the rules” wants a leading role as well.

But what happens is that I eat S*** as a result. Greg’s act is so utterly cool. He celebrates his uncoolness and makes it seem easy, effortless, and utterly “duh” to just be who you are. To rock in your own world. It sounds cliché when I write it down, but just watch his show and you’ll know just what I mean.

I find myself frequently feeling like a Rodney Dangerfield — can’t get no respect — but really that is my own problem! I believe we train people how to treat us. It’s up to me to say, “No, that doesn’t work for me.” Or, “I’d like to suggest we do it this way.”

I am such a nice and smart and caring person. I’m really a terrific candidate for being able to deliver whatever my little #2 thinks is “bad” news to people. Once I get off my own case that is!

Marching minions of masses following the man is so last century! Alas, all too often I find myself in step with them.

Each day though I am getting closer to speaking my truth. I’m getting pretty good at it in my personal life. Now, to tackle the business life, where my family legacy and my Capricorn instincts really push me hard to avoid big risks and to put on a happy face when someone is trying to back me into a corner.

Look out world because I feel the real me stirring.

DVD: Greg Behrendt is Uncool

Book: He’s Just Not That Into You

I had mentioned before hand that I am wanting to let go of my fear of holding other people accountable. It is a personal and a business challenge. To stop letting others bully me. Letting others not hold up their end of the bargain.

There is grandiosity at the root of this.

“No problem” I say. (Because I am big enough, smart enough, generous enough, understanding enough) to “understand.

Dare I add, stupid enough to fall for the bullying? Or weak enough to let others have the final say over issues that affect me personally? Or scared enough to walk away rather than assert my point of view?

So as I am working on all of this, as is Gina helping, and of course so are all of the beings in the universe who support me, I had this unusual experience.

I felt like my mouth was crying.

It filled with tears. Years of sadness for all of the times I had not spoken up. Sorrow for all that I had swallowed, in silence, that was not fair to me.

Has anyone else ever had this experience?

I would imagine that men maybe, more than women. Mouth crying is a way to not show the weakness perceived from eye crying. Maybe it comes out as spitting for some. I swallowed these mouth tears, but these were insight tears, so I was happy to do so.

Topic

Freedom to be who I am and not be who I’m not. Simple though not always easy!

I discuss living as a divine being within the limits and boundaries of being in a body.
What does the #1 want for freedom as compared to the #2 personality?
Choosing to live a less formal life.
Embracing the internet as a place to be more free.

Movie Specs: Watch the Movie [22 mb (5:32)]

videoblog
videocast
vlog
roxanne darling

I first thought about this when visiting Japan in 1985. Huge changes were rumbling, as the kids in Harajuku openly rebelled against the polite (umm in some cases rigid) practices of Japanese culture. I loved the experience of walking down a thoroughly modern Tokyo street, passing elegant women dressed in traditional kimono. I sensed this would not last much longer.

“Intermarriage” (what a strange, cold term) was ineveitable, as people travel to other places, fall in love, and decide to make it legal.

Then many of them go the next step, of course and have babies.

Dilution occurs. The purists are saddened. Some fear a loss of their culture.

This morning, I saw an absolutely gorgeous Hawaiian man running on the beach. Much as I wanted to co-mingle, I did not want to dilute. And it got me to thinking.

So here is the wacky idea. (And thanks for waiting.)

What if haole woman were to make babies with friendly haole man, and Hawaiian man were to make babies with friendly Hawaiian woman? Surrogacy taken in a different direction I suppose, for the express purpose of maintaining a linneage of physical and cultural type, while allowing all the juicy comingling and love affairs.

Most p[eople I know who couple and have babies, also feel somewhat territorial over their mates, so this would take some attitude adjustment. And those who offer their genes would accept that they are not necessarily the parents – details to be worked out by the individual people.

Besides, isn’t there a book somewhere that says “It Takes a Village to Raise a Child?”

Doctors this past week gave a woman in France a partial face transplant. For an in-depth read on the topic you can visit Sufficient Scruples Blog. I found this quote intersting:

Uninformed second-guessing of patients’ (direct or by-proxy) decisions out of personal prejudice should be a thoroughly discredited procedure by now – but apparently anyone is free to inject their opinion into others’ healthcare decision-making if they masquerade a sufficient degree of outrage.

The facts, briefly:

• Woman was mauled by her dog while sleeping about 6 months ago.
• May or may not have attempted suicide by overdosing on pills.
• Apparently said “Merci” (“thanks”, in french for the English-only readers) after the operation.

Whoa! May or may not have attempted suicide???

In the Transition, most things really come down to context — as compared to absolutes. A dog mauling is typically thought of as violent act. Bad dog. But if this dog (a labrador, to which I am partial) were trying to wake her from a nearly permanent sleep, then he becomes not a savage beast but a saving grace.

Now, to take it way out to the edge. What if the soul of the woman and the soul of the dog were co-creating this experience, to shake loose some consciousness in the world? We can’t say for sure. But it’s possible.

In the transition, all sorts of these things are possible. And probable. The bottom line being that even in death, we are safe. It is OK to trust the universe. Unintended outcomes are generated all day every day. (Wow – an intersting use of absolutism!)

Those who enjoy arguing, by all means please continue. For me, I much more enjoy entertaining the what ifs, the “I wonder what those two were up to, to conjer up this event with global attraction?”

Oh – and for you silly-minded readers, here is an article on Cheney Receives Face Plant.