In my case, walking behind the smoker, the faster I realize “none of this matters,” my power awakens and my mind begins to look for alternatives and my emotions get out of the pity pot and my body can take action, or not. It is all my choice at that point. And if I am not happy, then it is my kuleana, my business, my responsibility. Sometimes it is easier to stay on the street and put up with the smoke, and be able to laugh at being slightly miserable, than to go out of my way and take a longer, fresher route. I find my bliss in accepting what is while knowing my options and acting accordingly.

The immature me would say that I shouldn’t have to make the choice or the effort. “There should be a law against smoking and then I wouldn’t have this problem.” This is the antithesis of maturity. She would also state emphatically, “But smoking is wrong! It is bad for your health! It imposes itself on others!” And in one fell swoop, an opportunity for consciousness turns the corner into rigid judgment that gives me no relief only righteousness.

Very often, opportunities for consciousness become opportunities for judgment of right-wrong, good or bad. The actual issue though is my preference and your preference. And how do we reconcile them? This is a task for consciousness, not for immature wannabees who seek happiness that is free of any challenges or responsibilities.

You see, it is just too hard for children to grasp that happiness can be created out of conflict.

That you can find a way to have your way in the midst of so many things appearing to work against you. That you have so much power at your finger tips as an adult, that you could not ever have as a child. And most of all, that it doesn’t matter if you figure this out or not. It is just one of the myriad choices life presents to you.

It is my wish that you want to figure some of it out. I like interacting and co-creating with people who embrace this type of consciousness. But I would be a confusing and mistaken person if I said you need to figure this out in order to have a happy life. Or to interact with me. Or to find love, or lose weight, or make money. Or whatever.

It is my belief that life is really just a series of choices. That we are safe beyond our wildest dreams. That we have very, very few needs and they can generally fit into the boxes of food and shelter. We can survive in the barest of environments, with a complete absence of love from others, as lonely or frightened or angry as can be. Instead of minimizing or fearing that, I choose to let it weigh in and reassure me that everyplace else is a step forward to my bliss.

Once we begin to learn to sort the difference between needs and wants, we are gifted with a grownup form of power and awareness that for me, is profound. There’s no rush. This isn’t going anywhere. Take your time. I’ll see you in the next chapter if and when you so desire.

[This is part of a continuous thread of writings I did in Bali earlier this year; you can follow them in order if you like.]

In my immaturity, I believed that Bali was better than the USA. I had a very profound experience here on my first visit 10 years ago. I felt like I could be more of me here than anywhere else. The climate suited me. The gentility suited me. The beauty and the pervading sense of gratitude suited me. The stillness and the quiet suited me. The green suited me. The sweet, intimate, intense massages suited me. The food suited me. The primitiveness and unspoiledness suited me. All of these things combined allowed me to relax in my own skin and bones, in a palpable, physical way, that was unlike anything I had experienced before. So i romanticized it to the max, delightfully tuning out all of the things that were unpleasant.

It has its drawbacks.

The first blush of love is so very intoxicating. We see only beauty, we feel only love, we will try things way out of our normal comfort zone because we are so full of bliss. This is not good or bad, it simply is a statement of observed and experienced fact.

The trouble comes if I return to Bali 10 years later and expect to have the same experience. It is impossible for all practical purposes, not least of which is the march of time and technology. 10 years ago, there was one internet cafe. I traveled with an Apple Newton and borrowed the phone line in the lobby to dial into Denpasar and via an AOL network partner could send and retrieve email. Now, there are literally dozens of internet shops, and most seats are filled. Many of these are open 24/7, despite the town itself closing up tight most nights by 9 pm.

You could lament that at least some of these people are choosing computers over weaving or carving, and that is a loss. But nonetheless, it is what is. This is what centuries of meditation teachers have taught – that to be in bliss, to quiet the mind, is to accept all as it is and allow it to pass by us like leaves floating downstream on water.

So I find it confusing and mistaken when the yoga teacher remarks that everyone needs to meditate and practice yoga for an enlightened, happy life. Or when the “get the government out of the way” politician says that everyone needs to let the government snoop on us because it’s for our own safety and security. And I find it confusing when the feminist fires another female because she feels threatened, whereas she does not feel threatened by a male counterpart. And I am sure people find me confusing and mistaken when they hear me speak all “none of this matters” on Beach Walks with Rox and then see me get irritated when I’m walking behind someone on a busy street who is smoking.

You see, we are all “victims” of discrepancies in our dogma. That is not a problem. These discrepancies are opportunities for consciousness. With consciousness, happiness flows with less effort. Consciousness does not come naturally for most of us, and the quicker we accept that, the faster we can get to work on acquiring it.

[This is part of continuous thread of writings I did in Bali earlier this year; you can follow them in order if you like.]

I was able to experience happiness by having my need for food (I had only eaten breakfast that day) and my desire to return home safely both met. Your mileage may vary. Some people dislike solitude very much, and the walk home would have been far more challenging and uncomfortable. Remember though, I also had the option to call for a free ride home and the Kebun Indah driver would have picked me up. I chose to take the walk.

I also have a preference for an empty tummy at times, and especially when I am getting body work. I find fullness of food gets in the way of my experiencing pleasure. I could have gone straight from the massage to eat, but I chose to go to the internet cafe first. Partly because I had a delicious organic chicken curry sandwich there the other day and partly because I can relax easier when I have my work behind me. On this day though, they were not serving food! Who knew? Not me. I could have left and eaten, but I chose to wait until my work was completed. (That I think is another indicator of my workaholic gene – something I am in process with. This experience may have been an opportunity for more consciousness on that topic; so noted for moi.)

These preferences really are a “good news bad news” situation. Skipping lunch to have a pleasurable massage, getting work done first so I can relax later, meant I got really hungry! Being really hungry, like being really tired, opens the door to immaturity. Sleep and food are primal needs. When we are deprived of them, it is much easier to revert to a primal state, a state more akin to childhood than adulthood. And consciousness tends to take a seat in the background unless we are conscious of our choices. Both the choices we made to arrive in this predicament, as well as the choices available to get out of it.

Since I find it useful to explore the cobwebby corners of these sorts of predicaments, I’ll pose another question. What if I had not found any open cafes? Then what? Well, I have a few pieces of fruit in my room and I knew that there would also be some food that I could ask for back at Kebun Indah. Secret Cameraman had also sneaked some chocolate into my bag, and that was an option too. So I was not going to starve to death on this night. It is useful to have that factual data to go up against the feelings of “I’m starving!”

Maturity has the ability to discern the difference between actually starving to death and getting sustenance, albeit not my favorite or preferred meal. Maturity understands (and watching the TV show Survivor helps!) that one of the benefits of getting really hungry is that just about any food will taste good! Maturity appreciates that having some food is preferable to me than having no food, and that is enough for a moment of simple happiness.

Back to my Saturday night in Bali. I was having moments of immaturity. Inside me was the whiny voice of a child, wanting to be taken care of. Wanting the streets to be clean. Wanting other people to be in the street with me. Wanting an Indonesian-style cafe to be open not one catering to Western hippies. (I love Indonesian food.) Wanting there to be more lights on. Wanting to have my own scooter. Wanting to have Secret Cameraman with me.

Fortunately, I was able to recognize this as an opportunity for consciousness. I went into the cafe, and was greeted by a lovely Balinese woman, smiling and welcoming me. I found the nasi goreng on the menu, in between quesadillas and spinach soup. If this were a Hollywood movie, Secret Cameraman would have walked in the door just as I started to eat, and we would all live “happier ever after.” But he didn’t. Nonetheless I experienced happiness. My desires had been met – warm, delicious food, a little human company, and the remaining walk home was now quite short.

With maturity comes an understanding of life that we live here with limits and boundaries. It’s that plain and that simple. In early childhood, we were not aware of those limits and boundaries. We humans have come to identify the limits and boundaries as the thieves or restrictors of our happiness, but this is not so! So many research studies have shown that people with extreme limits (quadriplegia for example) are just as happy as those who have four functional limbs. It further shows that people in less developed countries are happier than those in the United States. Liitle children and the candy counter think feel as if it is the end of the world if they don’t get that candy bar. Meanwhile people who have less stuff report being happier than those who have lots of stuff.

How can this be? Stuff does not bring happiness in and of itself; it is a means to happiness when co-mingled with consciousness of what it can and cannot do. Religions have preached that stuff will not make you happy, and it has been tinged with the opposite message that stuff is somehow bad. Having too much stuff is somehow worse.

Nonetheless we are drawn to stuff – whether it be books on meditation or a new Lexus tofu or top sirloin. You may judge others’ stuff as being more or less enlightened than your own, but to me it all falls into the same pot of stuff.

Stuff is not the problem you see. It is what we expect of stuff that is the problem. Have as much stuff as you want! Because stuff, like everything else in life, is personal and subjective. For me, I like to live in a space that is less cluttered. I like to acquire new stuff, but since I don’t like clutter, that means I keep my stuff in circulation. I don’t hold on to things for a very long time.

Other people are much more comfortable in the midst of clutter. The energy of the objects soothes them, where for me it disturbs. Maturity is being able to understand how stuff works, energetically, and being able to manage your individual, subjective, personal relationship to stuff with the background knowledge that we live in a world of limits and boundaries.

I would have preferred the streets to be clean, dry, and better lit, with more choices of restaurants and a few more people out and about. So while I didn’t get all of my first choices, I did get a deeply satisfying meal and a safe walk home. It turns out that I also like solitude, so this experience actually worked from that perspective, if not from the stuff perspective.

Those are the facts of the matter. Now I would like to share with you the thoughts and feelings I traversed, as it an example of how what I call immaturity gets in the way of happiness.

Growing up has been given a bad rap. The type of happiness we experience in childhood is truly magical. I am watching my precious little friend Kaile grow up in Hawaii, and as she ripens will into age two, she is filled with laughter serial moments of spontaneous joy. She can speak, so feelings are no longer bottled up inside incommunicado. She can walk and run and is learning to control her body. She can ask (uh, and demand!) what she wants. She has very very few responsibilities!

She has not yet experienced the world’s underbelly.

We think we would prefer this kind of happiness. The happiness that wears blinders, that is very me-centric as to be sure, when we are around her, it’s “The Kaile Show!” on center stage. And I say that smiling at the pleasure I get from being a part of the interactive audience.

What we are not taking into account, is the lack of power and freedom that she has though. She is beholden to the grownups around her – her parents, her many aunties and uncles, her babysitters. Granted, we think we are a pretty cool bunch of caretakers, but still, she doesn’t get her way all the time and in large part, only gets to do what has been pre-determined for her by others.

In childhood, happiness does not coexist with freedom very much. To be cared for so completely and to have so few responsibilities and to live in a world that appears carefree, is also to be under the care and control of others who are managing the responsibilities.

Life is full of responsibilities. We think they are they are the happiness killers. They can be doors to freedom though and a type of happiness that is impossible to experience in childhood.

[This is part of continuous thread of writings I did in bali earlier this year; you can follow them in order.]

I had a mild waft of depression come over me last night. I had two wonderful massage treatments at Alam Wangi Spa at sunset, lulled into blissfulness by the scents of the scrubs and oils (jasmine to turmeric to green tea) the soothing, hypnotic repetition of the gamelan music, and the deep, snapping hand movements of the masseuse.

Then I went to the internet cafe in town to upload some files and check email. Around 8 pm I started the mile walk back to my inn, looking for a place to eat. I could have called Kebun Indah to pick me up, but I like to walk.

It had rained all day, very hard at times, so the streets were very wet and dirty, as well as mostly deserted. The shops had closed up early, I am guessing because the weather kept the customers away. The streets were fairly dark as a result, despite this being “Saturday night!” The washed out contents of the ubiquitous offering boxes were strewn everywhere, and the occasional small group of young men were playing music and offering me taxi rides.

There were a few internet cafes open with each ancient PC occupied by a Balinese surfing the web on a shared dial-up connection, requiring the sort of patience that the Balinese are blessed (cursed?) with. There were also a few minimart shops, selling Fanta and packaged foods. But I wanted a warm meal in my tummy.

I was hungry and alone.

What I found open was a vegetarian cafe, with a yoga studios upstairs. I ended up with a Balinese-hippie fusion meal, nasi goreng with red rice, tofu and organic vegetables. It was delicious, and suited me perfectly.

This is where I would like to introduce spirit. My soul has maneuvered events in my life to keep the book this writing from happening until now. I believe spirit – aka my soul – wants only happiness for me. I believe my soul has access to far more information and power than I do. I believe that I can disagree with my soul and we can see what happens. Though it does take a fair amount if energy to disagree on a regular basis I think. Nonetheless, my point is that I have the freedom to disagree and spend my energy however I like. Because I am completely safe, on the soul level.

Being lazy in this sense, though, and trusting that my soul has my happiness front and center, I prefer to let the timing work itself out. I think it is useful to note that I could have been so utterly determined to have written a book and sacrificed “everything” – let’s just say, a lot, to publish a book. I could have done that. But I’d rather work less hard and invite clues to come in so I can enjoy the process as it is unfolding.

I may have thought for many years that being a published author would make me happy. Since my life has turned out otherwise, I’d prefer not to think I failed but rather to not believe everything I thought! You could say I was wrong, or you could say I just didn’t have enough information yet. Or I could remember that I have actually published many articles and self-published two books already.

So what we have here is a power grid, whereby the body sits at the bottom and can be easily affected by feelings, thoughts, and the soul’s plan for the day. It s not a victim though by any means! It is more of a receptacle, which by nature cultivates the energy of reception. But as a container, it can shape itself and respond to the influences coming its way. Its position in the hierarchy of things also gives it a unique vantage point, and you can probably think of times like Thanksgiving when your body stands up from the table and says, “I’ve had enough.”

This is why some people like me exercise. I have so much positive experience with it that my brain is trained. Here is my process:

I notice I am feeling stress. I have the feeling of wanting to escape. My body reflects that feeling with agitation. It calls up to my mind and says, “Hey – can you figure out a way to get us to the beach for a swim? Do the math and let me know what time to be in the car.” Mind runs a few calculations, looking at my to do list, the clock, the average amount of time required for a run to the beach, and speaks back. “We can go at 4 pm and still be back in time to pick up dinner. Get as much done as you can before then.”

And before a single stroke in the water, I have already begun to benefit from the thought of exercise. Mind and body and consciousness all working together.

[Follow along with my writings captured on a recent trip to Bali. They are all filed under Writing Practice, and numbered.]

It takes effort and energy for most of us to discover consistent happiness. That energy is fueled by power. Understanding where your true power and authority exists is one of the fundamental tools in the game of finding happiness. Here is how I understand the power grid when it comes to my essential nature.

Spirit rules the mind.
Mind rules the emotions.
Emotions rule the body.

Starting at the bottom, is the body. It brings its own wisdom and experience, as so many have written. Yet it also is “at effect” of emotions, thoughts, and all that transpires outside of one’s own small piece of the world. It will take just a moment to remind you that when you feel angry, your body reflects back to you very specific signs and symptoms. They often include an increase in body temperature, muscle tension, and digestive track responses. Your mileage may vary. Some people get very cold when they are angry, for example. Remember, the details themselves are not important in the broad discussion, only as they relate to you or me. What is relevant is to understand how each we react to various emotons and to realize that our emotions coexist with our thoughts and get experienced in our bodies.

Moving up the ladder, your thoughts also affect your body. Start thinking about your lovers or your enemies or chocolate or torture or politics or going to work tomorrow and notice if you have any emotional and physical response. In the classic example, think about biting into a plump, bright yellow, lemon that you have just cut open and whose juices may have squirted in your direction. Are you salivating slightly more than before this paragraph?

In between are your mind and emotions. They are in a constant feedback loop as you think a thought and have an emotional reaction to it. You start feeling a certain way, and then without thinking your thoughts have changed and are delivering ideas to support or strengthen or validate your feelings. Before you know it, you are in a vicious cycle that can escalate, leading you to engage your body and act in ways you may later regret.

Sound familiar? Wondering why I am using the negative example of this pattern rather than the positive one? Those are the questions in my mind at this moment. Answer to the first: Yes. Answer to the second: because I think one of the most valuable aspects of so-called negative experiences is that they are familiar and it is often easier for people to connect with ideas and each other out of trauma as compared to successes. There is an element of needy energy when my world is in turmoil that creates a willingness to reach out for help. Rather than judge this as good or bad, I prefer to just use it to our advantage in this discussion.

History bears this out very much as just look for a moment at how strangers and even rivals come together to help each other in a disaster. When I observe big energy patterns like that, I want to make use of the mechanics of it to build consciousness and understanding.

My monkey mind thinks an editor would not allow this sort of intimate dialog to pass muster, and fully expects that a first draft would come back with:

Too personal – you must use the third person voice and stop pretending you are actually having a conversation. Do you want to write a book or have a conversation?!? Don’t you realize books are formal and impersonal so as to reach as wide an audience and sell as many books as possible?

Actually, I am writing precisely to have a conversation with you, not to write a book. I find that when I try to formulate an idea, it helps to keep it clean if I imagine myself taking to several real people who represent a wide spectrum of traits and preferences themselves. It’s insurance against making broad assumptions. It’s how I talk about and to advertising companies at the same time, and keep my integrity. It’s perhaps why I have wanted to write about this for decades (and in fact have started many times) but it has not come to fruition. I was bound by so many rules that work for other people, not me. Oh, and this is relevant I think — my ideas were less formed than now.

[Follow along with my writings captured on a recent trip to Bali. They are all filed under Writing Practice, and numbered.]

It is tempting, and it can get confusing. Anytime I sort a group into us and them, problems arise just from the mechanics. Because none of us is uni-dimensional, we cannot say for certainty that any one group is good or bad, or in this case, promotes happiness in useful or not useful ways. One beer company’s ad may be funny and lift the spirits of millions, while it simultaneously offends others. Go to the head of the class if your ignoring muscle has been developed! Ignore, walk on by and give no energy to those things that annoy or irritate you! (Easier said than done, I know.)

Since I believe that happiness maintains a close relationship with freedom, I am not willing to limit anyone’s happiness for the sake of mine or yours. Those of you who think forward already may be posing the question, but what about when “what makes me happy” runs smack against “what makes you happy”?

It’s a great question. But I’m not ready to answer it yet. It turns out to be quite simple, but not very easy, and I’d like to lay down some more bricks in our foundation here before trying to scale that topic.

[Follow along with my writings captured on a recent trip to Bali. They are all filed under Writing Practice, and numbered.]

This is a bumper sticker message that has been around many years in Santa Fe, New Mexico. In some ways, it summarizes the tasks we are setting upon in this conversation because I believe that happiness results from being able to use your mind to understand how you think, what you think, and the ways those thoughts impede or deliver happiness. I borrow from all kinds of disciplines and practices, yet adhere strictly to none. Your desire and willingness to examine how you think and what you think can be a measure of whether this discussion is relevant for you or not. It is not for everyone. It is for those who have attempted to find happiness and have not quite succeeded.

It is my hope that these ideas may trigger “aha” moments for you. I enjoy being around happy people, so I am motivated from selfish reasons to create more happiness in my world. That said, one of the main ideas I live by is that my happiness is independent of what others do or say or how they be. So you will discover many seeming contradictions, but if you examine them more closely, you will find this baseline premise:

Happiness is a purely subjective experience. It is unique to each of us and is colored through our history, our desires, and our ability to manage our individual minds.

I believe most people know intrinsically that happiness cannot be packaged or bought, though many businesses, and by extension their advertising agencies, have done their best to convince us otherwise. And if that makes them happy, then so be it. We can choose to play or not. I have had many fun fun moments being in the swirl of hype – like love, it can be euphoric even if it changes with time.

It is contrary to my method to expect them to change so we can be happy. Because if hawking their goods to us in ever creative and/or high pressure ways is fun for them, then they have that privilege. Remember, if an advertising person or CEO is reading this, then they are actually you, not them. I imagine many “you’s” reading this, and that is supporting me from falling into an “us or them” distraction.

[I started a writing project in Bali a few months ago and am releasing it to the world under cover of National Blog Posting Month. Comments are welcome.]

I am interested in happiness. It seems elusive, dispensed by chance by a god who plays favorites, yet continues to occupy space in many minds. Or perhaps to be more accurate, unhappiness is what actually occupies many minds. If this describes your mind, you are very welcome here.

My credentials in this area are solid I believe. I started life as a sparkling happy child, spent much of high school as a loner in tears listening to Bob Dylan, distraught over the Vietnam War, and finally descending into frequent thoughts of suicide for the next few decades. Happiness came and went as unpredictably and erratically as the other things in my life that I did not understand.

I started to write, “as erratically as traffic in a third world country.” But then I had a moment of consciousness. Traffic in many countries actually flows quite well and predictably even if it doesn’t obey the lines. It only appears erratic to an American trained on lanes and lights until it becomes familiar, and then it makes sense. My writing will expose how I examine my thoughts as I am having them and how this technique reduces stress and contributes to feelings of happiness.

Details Don’t Matter

The details are insignificant in and of themselves; after all, each of us has a story to tell, many of the details are shared, and many of them are starkly different. That is not the point. The point is the energy of the details, and how that can highlight where we slide into unconsciousness, by letting the details keep the energy they have had for centuries without question.

Another point is that I have found a measure of happiness undreamed of and am interested in sharing how I found it with you. The happiness I have experienced is subjective. Your mileage may vary, and that is the good news, not bad news. My intent is to remove myself from the details as much as possible, and to present the mechanics as I understand them.

Still, the limits of my consciousness will keep this from being perfect, so now is a good time for you to claim your experience, your history, your desires, for yourself. An essential part of my process of discovering happiness is to run ideas and opinions through my own inner filters, to check them against my wisdom to date, my comfort level in the moment, and my answer to two powerful questions, “Does this make sense to me? Does this make sense for me?”

As much as I will attempt to present these ideas in a fashion that many can use, it is only in their specific application to each individual life where they are useful. This is most definitely not a “ten steps to happiness” book full of rules to memorize. There are some of you for whom none of this may apply. I thank you in any case for sharing the time with me and actually am interested in learning more about your experiences, if you are inclined to share. I find those kinds of discussions very illuminating, and they help me to stay detached from my own beliefs and thoughts. I find I am happier the larger my world becomes, but remember, that is just me. It may not be true for you.