I had a dream last night in which I was in a car with other adults going to a very adult event like a classical music concert. For some reason, we stopped near a school. There was a boy in the car in front of us who was hit in the head with a hard baseball.

He slumped over the wheel. No one seemed to even notice, but me. I got out of the car and went over to him. He was not alert, so I asked him, “Are you OK? Please say something if you can hear me.” He said “My back really hurts.”

I tried to yell at the other people in my party, asking them to go in the school and get help. Everyone ignored me. For some reason, I did not think to call 911 myself. I was upset that no one else was helping.

At first, I thought this was a young boy, say 9-10 years old. But if he were driving the car, that would make him 16 at least.

I have these beliefs that appear relevant to this dream:

• We are all safe and the dramas being played out here are the ones we want to play, on some level, however unconscious of that we may be.
• Adults are capable of managing themselves. I am not responsible for taking care of another adult. After all, I cannot possibly know what each person’s soul is up to.
• By the age of 10 or so, a person is capable of surviving on their own. It may not be easy, but it is doable.
• I am free to offer my help when I want. No one else is required to take it or have to offer their help in the same situation.
• Offering help can be construed as an interruption or even invasion of someone else’s space. For all I know, they wanted to see how far they could suffer or they were just on the verge of figuring it out themselves, or any other number of possibilities.

I am reminded of how incensed I am when religious crusaders come to my door, thinking I am the equivalent of the boy in the car — needing to be rescued away from whatever into the arms of Jesus.

And yet, I truly enjoy helping. So I have learned to adopt a mantra, “Make ‘em beg” whereby I don’t impose myself but rather wait for others to ask for help. Yes, this is tricky because for many, asking for help is such a hot button for their neuroses. (Think men and travel directions.)

It is also tricky for me in business because I often want to help our clients understand things better or know about options to help them grow their business. Some really appreciate this, and say that is why they like having us as vendors. Others do not. Or they do, but only if it is free to them. So figuring this out in the business relationships seems to take a little bit of time.

The question I am pondering today is how to keep weaning myself from intrusive helping while still being available to help when it is mutually wanted? I realize that even I am not always in the mood to help either.

And I am also creating more ideas for “Beach Walks with Rox” videos. I like talking, I do go to the beach every morning and attempt to commune with my soul. I imagine that others might be interested in that too. A perfect aspect of a video podcast is that I can just do it, without targeting or involving anyone else (except my beloved camera man Shane). It is a completely “opt-in” situation for whomever want to watch the shows.

Just like those adults in my dream. None of them were interested in responding to my pleas to help the boy. That is independent of the fact that I did want to offer help.

1. Maybe I don’t have to knee-jerk respond every time I see someone in perceived “trouble.” I could wait for them to ask.
2. If I do decide I want to offer help, that is my deal, and no one else’s.

It’s often said how the internet is making many arenas more of an “an even playing field.” Customers have more power, companies have less, in many situations. I think the transfer of power is a direct correlation to the transfer of knowledge that is taking place.

And being that we are smack dab in the middle of a knowledge-based economy, the way that we seek, share, and disseminate knowledge is going through big change.

It used to be teacher had the power and the student was beholden, at least until such point that the student could take on the teacher intellectually. Now that we can share information rather easily, (although the NYTimes is about to be investigated by the FBI for writing about the secret Bush wiretapping policies), there are great opportunities brewing.

On a personal level, I was angrily accused by a dear and treasured client this past week for being condescending in how I was managing her project. It was a hard blow to my ego for sure. And I could make all sorts of proclamations about how and why I have tightened the reigns on this particular job. But she was right about one thing: I did have thoughts now and then of surprise, at actually how little she knew about certain things. Surprise because she is very bright. She is very engaged. She interacts with her project a lot. But darnit, there are some web fundamentals she just has not yet grasped. This surprise has slowly turned into irritation, mainly because I saw more time I would be putting in to the project to educate her on these issues, and two, because I did not know how I would bill for that. (She is on a fixed price job that does not include side trips to explain how things work.)

I find it really hard sometimes to explain to a really bright person what it is they don’t know. A lot of us, myself included, can get very attached to our smarts. But the point here now is that the subtleties in my energy triggered an avalanche of resentment in her. So it’s my job to bring her and the project back in off the ledge.

What I am working on this weekend is to turn the table and practice thinking peer to peer. What is it that she can teach me in this moment? How could I have handled the situation differently? How can I keep my belief — there are just things she does not know, despite her protestations — without feeling irritated by her resistance to acknowledge that and/or pay to learn it?

I am a firm believer in speaking the truth. In my experience, much more often than not people do indeed want the truth, though they may react negatively to it at first. But when delivering the truth, I now want to have the energy of learning, of student, so that it does not come across “one up or one down” but is a curious (not critical) exploration. A mutual sharing of observations. Delivered on my part with courtesy and respect. And hopefully reciprocated. I can challenge myself to see how neutral I can get my own energy, and then watch and see if that gets me a different response.

One of my assignments for myself the past few years (yes, sometimes I am a slow learner) has been to sort out what do I really want to be doing, both “in general” as well as at an given time. It’s not that easy for a person like me, who is easily entertained and who can sink her teeth into just about anything and find some pleasure in it.

It appears the universe is trying to help me out in this task. It keeps piling more and more work and fun on my plate. I consider myself now to be in a state of near overload. I was thinking (not uncommonly) that this is problem to be fixed.

Instead, I have started thinking of it as a gift to be opened.

This is to paraphrase friend and author Wayne Muller.

But that’s just a nicey nice thought really, without the real “aha.” And that is this. Being really busy can be much akin to having cancer. Things take on a new level of importance. Small details fall off my radar. I am free to only focus on what must be done right now or what I want to do right now, and with a little luck those might even be the same thing! All other tasks and all other moments can suddenly wait their turn. I can choose who or what gets my attention and how.

I have found this quite freeing, and in experiencing that freedom, I am enjoying my things to get done as well as my personal pleasures far more.

I tripped across a graduation address given by Steve Jobs for Stanford last June. Here is a quote:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life,” Jobs said. “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.”

We hear and talk about this concept a lot. People who have faced death seem to have a better handle on it. I’d like to skip the cancer part and go straight to putting this knowledge into action in my life.

It’s not that I am not interested in other people’s opinions! I am. So long as they are not focused on black and white thinking. Or repeats of things that have been said so many times before. Or are written in such a way that I cannot get your point.

But I digress! I realize that though I started my first blog in 2001 and my second in 2002, and both were cancelled by moi before gaining any traction, (interpret that however you like) at the core of me is a legacy of narcissism. Combined with a lack of desirable time. Which results —on the surface— in boredom with or lack of interest in others’ diatribes. Here’s how that looks as math (a formula):

narcissism + less time = i stay in my own world

I really think that’s a good thing for me at this point of my life. I mean, having spent 50 some years paying excessive attention to everyone else and how they are doing, feeling, etc., I figure this could actually be the up side of narcissism! Because remember, in the transition there is an absolute criteria for nothing. Narcissism has its positives.

Some counselors of mine once gave me a metaphor for how I’ve lived most of my life. Here’s how that used to look as art (a graphical image):

“Some people will split a vein and let others drink their blood, so to speak. But you Roxanne! You’ve sliced open your core from your sternum to your pubis and invited everyone in for a buffet that never closes. You let them feed from your trough. As much and as often as they please.”

This was an eye opening concept for me. I had already done a decade plus of therapy at this point, and was aware of my “doormat” tendencies. But I think you may agree that this image takes doormat to a whole new level!

Many people who know me now think of me as a tough broad. (My kitchen contractor was quite surprised at how I did not let the Kraftmaid corporate hack talk me out of sending back the defective drawer faces on my new kitchen cabinets. As if it is my fault a maple tree takes 30 years to grow and it was me who shipped the crappy craftsmanship.)

So yes I have made progress in zipping up my belly. And unzipping my mouth. But when it comes to my company and the clients, the urge to let them feed is still fed by the fear that they won’t pay up. The urge to be quiet and nice and let the customer (or the contractor) be right runs deep in my wiring.

I am a firm believer though in “outing” my #2 (that scared little aspect of me) as that seems to take a big chunk of the charge out of any given troublesome topic.

And for that, I have the deepest possible thanks to all of you who have gone before me, baring your hearts and minds and bodies too, so that we all realize, none of this matters and I and you are truly free to be just exactly who I and you are — nothing more, nothing less. You see, I have been reading your posts, and absolutely loving each of you who has chosen to share with me your warts and wackiness and wild and wonderful ways.

One of the things that I have been dealing with for a long time is getting over my fear of telling the truth about who I am. Which actually is avery strong person. But for many reasons, I hold back. Just like my brothers and sisters deep in the corporation and the military and so many other places. Heck, why have my own business if I can’t tell my truth?

“Don’t want to be rude” is near the top.

“Don’t want to upset anyone” is up there too.

“That’s against the rules” wants a leading role as well.

But what happens is that I eat S*** as a result. Greg’s act is so utterly cool. He celebrates his uncoolness and makes it seem easy, effortless, and utterly “duh” to just be who you are. To rock in your own world. It sounds cliché when I write it down, but just watch his show and you’ll know just what I mean.

I find myself frequently feeling like a Rodney Dangerfield — can’t get no respect — but really that is my own problem! I believe we train people how to treat us. It’s up to me to say, “No, that doesn’t work for me.” Or, “I’d like to suggest we do it this way.”

I am such a nice and smart and caring person. I’m really a terrific candidate for being able to deliver whatever my little #2 thinks is “bad” news to people. Once I get off my own case that is!

Marching minions of masses following the man is so last century! Alas, all too often I find myself in step with them.

Each day though I am getting closer to speaking my truth. I’m getting pretty good at it in my personal life. Now, to tackle the business life, where my family legacy and my Capricorn instincts really push me hard to avoid big risks and to put on a happy face when someone is trying to back me into a corner.

Look out world because I feel the real me stirring.

DVD: Greg Behrendt is Uncool

Book: He’s Just Not That Into You

I had mentioned before hand that I am wanting to let go of my fear of holding other people accountable. It is a personal and a business challenge. To stop letting others bully me. Letting others not hold up their end of the bargain.

There is grandiosity at the root of this.

“No problem” I say. (Because I am big enough, smart enough, generous enough, understanding enough) to “understand.

Dare I add, stupid enough to fall for the bullying? Or weak enough to let others have the final say over issues that affect me personally? Or scared enough to walk away rather than assert my point of view?

So as I am working on all of this, as is Gina helping, and of course so are all of the beings in the universe who support me, I had this unusual experience.

I felt like my mouth was crying.

It filled with tears. Years of sadness for all of the times I had not spoken up. Sorrow for all that I had swallowed, in silence, that was not fair to me.

Has anyone else ever had this experience?

I would imagine that men maybe, more than women. Mouth crying is a way to not show the weakness perceived from eye crying. Maybe it comes out as spitting for some. I swallowed these mouth tears, but these were insight tears, so I was happy to do so.